Just this past week, some images of the next generation 4 series have surfaced on the internet, and the verdict is... uh, not good. It seems that BMW has decided to fully copy Audi's homework in having a massive corporate grill, and just slapped on two enlarged kidneys on the front of the car.
When it happened on the concept cars, everyone shrugged and assumed that such designs will surely not make it to production. And then they did stuff like this, and this, and this -- so it's only a matter of time when the classic signature kidney grills become so enlarged you'd think that the car is suffering from Hydronephrosis.
It's quite amazing to witness BMW's long fall from grace from being one of the manufacturers with the best looking automotive lineup, to whatever the hell they have going on right now.
But then, is this the worst that has ever come from BMW? I don't know. So let's look back.
Just to be clear, this list is only going to include production BMWs -- concepts and prototype cars are not included. Let's start.
1975 - 1983 E21 3 series
The Bad: Okay. Consider this just the warm up act. Was this car bad to look at? No. The only crime it has committed was being sandwiched between the 2002 and the E30 3 series -- both vastly better looking cars, or, in the case of the 2002, one of the best looking BMWs ever made. Compared to these two, the E21 3 series looks just a little... bland. A bit tall, a bit too boxy, and a bit bland.
The Good: Like I said, this is still designed during the golden era of BMW. You love shark noses? Like the signature hofmeister kink? Compact 2-door body? You will find them here. Chances are you will automatically like this car.
How bad was this? 30/100. Not even close to being an ugly car, but in a field of amazing-looking 3er's, this is probably the most bland out of all of them.
1989 - 1991 Z1
The Bad: Some people will look at the inclusion of this on the list as evidence of me hating rad-tastic cars. I mean, the uber-odd Z1 stands out in the BMW design portfolio -- it's just really hard to argue whether it's in a good way or not. My biggest gripe with this car is that it looks more like a Mazda Miata being swallowed whole by a Fiat Coupe while mating with a Lotus Elan. Like one of those cars that you find in Grand Theft Auto that is intentionally designed to not look like anything in particular.
The Good: BUT THE DOORS. LOOK AT THOSE DOORS. The damn doors slide downwards into the bodywork of the car. Find me a car with cooler doors than that. I will wait. The fact that no other manufacturers have replicated this is just simply criminal. This car is cool, and I will fight anyone who argues otherwise.
How bad was this? 35/100. Weird? Yes. Bad? No.
2000 - 2004 E46 3 series Compact
The Bad: Third entry in and we are already in the 2000s -- that just really shows you how good the BMW design language was back in the day. In this case, BMW tried to make a 3 series hatchback by simply chopping off the back of the car, so it's oddly proportioned.
To make it even more weird, they decided to give them completely different headlights and taillights from the regular 3 series, so it doesn't even look like a 3 series.
The Good: This one, in my opinion, deserves to be more in the "weird" category than the "ugly" category too. The hatchback design is certainly quite cool. Put some subtle modifications, and all of a sudden you have a car that is cool-yet-odd -- in the same way as the "clown shoe" a la the Z3 coupe.
How bad was this? 45/100. After so many years, I'd say that it's certainly grown on the eye.
2001 - 2008 E65 7 series (the "Bangle-Butt" era)
The Bad: The first proper contender here. Where do I even start? This is the car that signified the start of the Chris Bangle era - a guy so obsessed at enlarging the ass of every BMW he designed that you'd think he turns up to work everyday listening to Sir Mix-a-lot to pump himself up. The headlights are droopy. The car is bloated. The butt is ugly. The iDrive is nasty. To add insult to injury, the previous generation 7 series was one of the coolest Bond cars ever.
The Good: Erm, I suppose after almost 20 years, the impact of the design has worn off. It was a very radical design language, and I suppose credit should be given to Chris Bangle for trying something interesting and took more risk than, say, Audi and Mercedes Benz. Alas, he failed.
The first iteration of this car was absolutely atrocious. The facelifted version was slightly better, but this car is still guilty for sending BMW down the wrong path in design.
How bad was this? 77/100. In certain colours (as dark as possible), with the right rims, it could look quite decent. But then, if I shed 60 pounds and look like George Clooney, I could be quite decent too.
2003 - 2010 E60 5 series
The Bad: Read everything I just typed for the 7 series, and apply it all to here. Except, in place of the droopy eyes, the headlights now look like they are shedding tears. Also, the front fascia of the car is arranged to look like it just got out of a bar fight.
The Good: Some people argue that this car is actually quite good looking. Most of them are on their way to rehab when they say it though, so I don't know if I would take their word for it. I personally think this is even worse-looking than the E65 7 series, and that's not exactly the best car to look at.
How bad was this? 75/100. Like the E65 7 series, this was the follow up act of the legendary E39 5 series, which makes this the Speed 2 of disappointing sequels.
2003 - 2010 E63 6 series
The Bad: Another product from the Chris Bangle's School of Design. They took the E60 5 series, chopped two doors off, made the ass even bigger, and resurrected the 6 series nameplate -- for a car that looks like a sourdough bread from afar. As a current E24 owner, I reserve my right to be outraged.
The Good: ... Except I can't. For some reason, this design works much better on the 2-door 6 series than the 4-door 5 series. The side proportion actually looks half-way decent. In certain angles, it does have some presence, which is what you want from a luxury grand-tourer. It's no sharknose though.
How bad was this? 40/100. Get this in black and equip some BBS rims, and you will have yourself a bit of a looker. The facelifted version looks dashing, even.
2005 - 2011 E87 1 series
The Bad: Ooooh boy. I actually like this one. Problem is, it took me quite a lot of years to grow a liking to the design, and a big part of that is also because I became a 1 series owner about 2 years ago.
Taking off the rose-tinted glasses, and the front fascia looks too much like a bulldog. The pot-belly pig side profile is certainly a design choice. They didn't really bother designing some proper taillights for this either. Without the sports body kit making the look a bit more aggressive, the car just looks a bit... Dorky.
The Good: There's still plenty to like about this design. It's compact, everything is well-proportioned, the side contour lines are quite complex, and you can almost say that this is a throwback to the classic BMW design, with a long nose up front, and a short rear end (for the coupe anyway). The best looking variant of this 1 series is definitely the coupe and the 3-door hatchback.
How bad was this? 50/100. This car is the 3.6 roentgen of cars: Not great, not terrible.
2008 - present E71 / F16 / G06 X6
The Bad: This is BMW's first foray into the world of SUV-slash-4-door-coupes. Even the concept itself is moronic, and the rest of it isn't any better. It's massive, it's bloated, it's bulky, the belt line is way too high, and it looks like a Ninja Turtle. This car doesn't drive quite as good as a regular sedan, doesn't handle offroading like a proper 4x4, and doesn't haul any more stuff than a wagon.
This car serves absolutely no purpose other than to take up too much room on the road and guzzles gas. If Logan Paul is a car, he would be the BMW X6.
The Good: Shut up.
How bad was this? 95/100. Burn this car. I hate everything that this car stands for, and the fact that this car has sold like hot cakes hasn't helped.
<Edit: I forgot that the X4 also exists. 666/100>
2009 - 2015 E84 X1
This car looks right at home in a Hertz lot.
The Good: At least it's... not too offensive? The kidney grills out front are... correctly proportioned? Jeez, I don't know. If I wanted something this boring to look at, I'd print out pictures of Boris Johnson and read an instruction manual on a lawnmower.
How bad was this? Meh/100. If BMW isn't bothered with it, why should I?
2014 - present F45 2 series Active Tourer
The Bad: Wait, what is a Renault Scenic doing here?
This is when all of us realized that BMW has officially gone off the rail with their naming scheme. "Let's have a 1 series be a 2-door coupe and a hatchback! And then we will have a 2 series, which is also a 2-door couple as well! Except it's a little bit larger. And then, we will turn it into a minivan and call it the 2 series, even though it has no relation to the actual 2 series! And then, we will make a 4-door 2-door version of the 2 series, because why not! Hey Bob, wanna go and smoke that joint now?"
The Good: I mean, I just compared it to a Renault Scenic, so I think I am being quite kind to it really. In other news, the brand that prides itself in making the "Ultimate Driving Machine" now makes 5-seater minivans.
How bad was this? 70/100. I refuse to acknowledge this car's existence. Luckily, this is only available in Europe and Asia, so at least I don't have to stare at them all the time.
2018 - present G07 X7 (the Rhinoplasty era)
The Bad: This is the car that officially spawned the "enlarged kidneys" meme that's taken over the internet. The rest of the car isn't too bad -- sure, I hate flashy, massive SUVs that actually doesn't do anything well -- but it's generally an inoffensive design. Except the nose, which is-- OH MY GOD IT'S ACTUALLY A MOUTH AND IT'S COMING TO EAT ME.
The Good: The memes that have been created at this car's expenses is surely the highlight of this design. Here's a quality joke from Jason Cammisa.
How bad was this? 75/100. BMW, stop copying Audi's homework and come see me after school.
2019 - present F44 2 series Gran Coupe
The Bad: What you are looking at here is a Mini Cooper rebodied as a BMW. It has 0 relation to the 2 series coupe -- which is a fantastic car. It is more related to the 2 series Active Tourer, which unfortunately looks a little bit... crap. This one is no exception. I don't know what the designer was smoking when he came up with that rear end. The entire car is a bloated mess.
The Good: If you squint real hard, and I mean real hard, it starts to look like a Honda Accord Crosstour, which is just hilarious.
How bad was this? 80/100. Seriously BMW. You are looking at some real detention time here if you don't see me after school.
2019 - present G11 7 series (facelift)
The Bad: It's not bad. The car is well proportioned, looks certainly up-market and premium, and has a pretty good presence on the road. That is, if you are talking about the pre-facelift version. The facelifted version looks like somebody accidentally used Fix-it Felix Jr's hammer and tapped on the kidney grill. It looks so hilariously large, it doesn't even make much sense anymore.
The Good: Again, the memes have been great. Go on any social media posts on the BMW corporate channel and just see this car being absolutely roasted by everyone. As a marketer, I do feel for whoever is running those accounts. Still, I would give credit for it looking better than the X7, but only just.
How bad was this? 70/100. At first, we thought that the hideous corporate grill on the X7 was only a one-off. And then we saw the concept car. "Surely, that's a concept car. The production car can't look like that," we all said. And then lo and behold...
2020 - ? G82 4 series.
The Bad: LOL. Get out hell outta here. This can't be real.
The Good: LMAO. Seriously, great joke man.
How bad is this? ROFL. Wait, is this for real?
Seriously, how bad is this? 75/100 -- to be bumped up to 90/100 if other models follow suit. Is this worst than the X6? No. But then again, a staph infection looks better than an X6, so it's not a high bar to begin with. The nose is absolutely hideous, and is not proportional to the headlights at all. The hofmeister kink is gone as well. You may as well slap an Infiniti badge on it.
This is the modern-day Ford Edsel.
If this is the new design language for BMW going forward, then I can see the heat being finally taken off Chris Bangle. Compared to this dumpster fire, the man's atrocities deserve to be forgotten. This car is not the ugliest BMW ever designed -- not even close to it -- but you know that this design is going to lead to more ugly BMWs being pumped out of their factories.
Just imagine, if the next generation X6 is going to have this nose as well, I reserve the right to sue BMW for psychological damages for every time I have to endure seeing those stupid things on the road.
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